Breathe Me
by nibblexmyxnaan
Summary: Tragedy has struck the village and Aaron is intricately caught up in events. The story follows what has happened and how Aaron, with the help of Jackson, faces up to the truth. Please r&r Chapter two is now up! Merci to all who have read so far!:
1. Chapter 1

Breathe Me

Part One

A/N: This is an AU fic. I hope it's okay and thank you in advance for reading this. Beta'd by gimmexsomexjacksonxwalsh. Please Read and Review

X-O

My hand is shaking.

My pulse is racing.

The blood…_Oh God, the blood…_

I know I shouldn't, I know that it's wrong but then I figure what's one more bad deed to my endless list? So I spin around on my heel and run, run so fast that my vision is blurred and the cool night air is whipping against my face. Run so hard that my lungs scream for oxygen, scream for mercy. But there is no mercy, not after what I've just done.

X-O

Jackson looks up as I open the cottage door. He smiles and my stomach turns.

_He_ _loves_ _me._

I would never understand how something like that could happen.

'And where were you?' he asks, moving over on the sofa so that I can sit down beside him. Except I can't sit, I can't go near him or he'll smell it from me, he'll know what I've done.

'I was at Paddy's.' I explain, making my way for the stairs.

'Where are you going now?' he demands, an adorable pout on his face.

'Having a shower.' I call, as I begin to climb the stairs.

'Want me to join you?' he offers.

I look down at the splatter of blood on my jumper and wonder how he hasn't noticed.

'Um…no thanks Jay…' I say weakly, praying he wouldn't take offence. I hear him sigh in the living room and change the channel.

'Fine but hurry up, I'm bored mate.'

X-O

It was a stupid thing to do.

I bang my fist against the shower wall and lean against the smooth tiles.

_I'm so bloody stupid._

X-O

When I come down the stairs Ryan is sat on the sofa beside Jackson, laughing at some stupid joke on the T.V.

'Heya Aaron.' He greets, winking at me.

I nod and sit down in the seat opposite them, my hands still shaking, the sound of gunshot still ringing in my ear.

'You okay? You look a bit pale?' Jackson asks, a concerned tone to his voice.

_Fuck. He knows._

'Yeah, I'm fine thanks. Just a bit tired, long day.' I mumble, keeping my eyes trained on the T.V, hoping and praying that Jackson would just **let things be**.

'Garage busy?' he inquires.

I fight the urge to roll my eyes and chance a look at Ryan who was watching me intently.

'I…um…yeah.'

I try not to wince at my lie, try not to look at Ryan who was undoubtedly wondering why I didn't tell Jackson why I wasn't at work. Except I couldn't tell Jackson why I wasn't at work because he would know straight away where I actually was.

Jackson shrugs and smiles at me.

'You're getting old.'

Ryan clears his throat and looks at me curiously.

'I better head, I just wanted to pop in to see how things were.' He announced, jumping to his feet.

I nod at him and then turn my full attention back to the T.V.

Twenty minutes. _Twenty minutes_ and I was already after spreading a web of lies.

X-O

I closed my eyes and all I saw was the blood.

I took deep breaths and all I could taste were my salty tears.

X-O

Jackson and I awoke the next morning to the sound of frantic knocking on the door. Jackson sat up and looked around in confusion.

'I wonder who that could be.' He mumbled, rolling out of our bed.

I shrugged and tried to look concerned, knowing full well who it would be and what they wanted. I hopped out beside him and pulled on my tracksuit bottoms before following him down the stairs to the front door. Jackson pulled it open and there stood a very distraught looking Moira Barton.

'A-Aaron…can I have a word?' she gasped, tears pouring down her cheeks.

I nodded and Jackson stood back, letting her into our house and led her to the kitchen.

'Will I put on some tea?' he asked anxiously, his wide brown eyes even larger than usual with concern.

Moira shook her head and continued to watch me.

'No…I-I just want to speak with Aaron for a moment.' She whispered.

Jackson nodded and backed out of the room, obviously relieved.

'Everything alright?' I asked awkwardly, not knowing where to look.

Moira shook her head and burst into a fresh set of tears.

'No…no…Aaron…Adam was **shot** last night…' she sobbed, burying her head in her hands.

I tried not puke, honestly I did. But the guilt mixed with the sorrow and utter devastation and regret and suddenly I was vomiting into the sink. Moira jumped from her seat and wrapped an arm around my shoulder and held onto me supportively.

'Oh pet…Oh p-pet, I know!' she cried, kissing the side of my head as tears poured down my cheeks.

'I'm so, so sorry.' I choked, meaning every single word.

Moira nodded and wiped my tears away with the back of her hand.

'Oh love…So am I.'

X-O

It didn't make sense.

Last night I _wanted _him dead and now I _couldn't stop crying_.

I guess this is what it feels like to be a total nutter…

X-O

Jackson took my hand in his and looked deep into my eyes, into my soul. He squeezed sympathetically and tried to blink away the tears in his own eyes.

'God…Aaron…Who'd do something like that?' he asked softly, his entire face contorted with emotion.

_Someone like me._

'I dunno Jay.'

Jackson wipes his tears away and shakes his head, a confused look on his face.

'What did Adam Barton do to anyone, eh?' he sobbed.

I tried not to stare, tried not to scream at him but it all happened anyway.

'JUST SHUT UP JACKSON! IT'S DONE, OKAY?' I roared hysterically, jumping from my seat and legging it to the front door and down the street. I knew by shouting at Jackson I had probably raised his suspicions even more but I couldn't help it.

I ran through the village, out to the field where it had happened, where I had _murdered _my best bloody mate. The old Bill and some people from the village surrounded it. I spotted Scarlett instantly, huddled against Jimmy King, crying her heart out. I shuffled over to her, deciding that I best look like I was mourning as well.

'Heya.' I said softly, not looking her in the eye.

Scarlett spun around and latched herself onto me, crying onto my shoulder.

'Aaron! Oh God, Aaron! What will we do? _What will we do?_'

It was a good question.

'I dunno Scar.'

_Scar? Did I just call her 'Scar'?_

'You were with him last night, weren't you? Did you hear anything? Did you see anything?' Scarlett demanded, grabbing me by my shoulders and shaking a little.

I shook my head quickly and tried to take a step back but her grip tightened.

'Aaron, Aaron, this is _so important_, that we catch who did this!'

I shook my head again and I didn't realize that I was crying until Jimmy put a hand on Scarlett's shoulders and pulled her away, a concerned look in his eyes.

'All right, leave him be. He's lost his best mate Scarlett.' Jimmy said gently.

Scarlett burst into a fresh set of tears and looked at me guiltily.

'I'm sorry Aaron. So, so sorry.' She gasped.

I wanted to move, wanted to run away, but I was rooted to the spot_. _

_I_ had caused this; this was _all my fault_.

People were crying because of _what I did_.

My head started to spin and my knees buckled. To my surprise, Carl caught me and tried to keep me upright but I threw my head forward and vomited, splashes of my deceit hitting our shoes and pants.

'Sorry.' I mumbled.

Carl shook his head and patted my back.

'No…you're…you're all right mate.'

_Am I really?_

X-O

I sat on the wall and watched as people came and went, asking the police if they had anyone.

I watched as the police shook their heads and shrugged their shoulders.

I tried not to laugh as I realized that I was less than a hundred feet away from the Bill and they still had _no idea_ that I killed him.

X-O

Jackson was waiting for me when I came home; just as I knew he would be.

'Aaron…listen mate, I'm not trying to…did you and Adam make up before…you know?' he asked softly, barely giving me a chance to get inside the cottage even.

'Jay, just leave it, yeah?' I muttered, storming into the kitchen.

'No Aaron, I thought we agreed we weren't going to sweep things under the carpet anymore?' he demanded, blocking the kitchen door so that I couldn't get back out.

I rolled my eyes and heaved a heavy sigh.

'No. We didn't, he died hating me.' I whispered, telling a bit of the truth.

Jackson nodded slowly and I awaited the next question, the one I was dreading the most.

**DID YOU DO IT, AARON?**

But to my surprise, and relief, it never came.

'This must be awful for you mate. If you want me to do anything…or if you need to be by yourself for a while…just tell me.'

I nodded and offered Jackson a small smile.

'I don't deserve you Jay.'

_And you don't deserve what I'm about to put us through…._

X-O

I pushed my dinner around my plate, my stomach churning.

I sipped my beer slowly, the taste burning my tongue.

I buried my head in my hands and started to cry, my conscience clawing at me.

X-O

Jackson shook his head and looked at Paddy doubtfully.

'He hasn't come out of bed for the past five days Paddy, I can't see him going to the funeral.'

Paddy sighed and ran his hands through his hair.

'He'll hate himself forever if he doesn't go Jackson. Can I go up and talk to him?' he asked.

Jackson nodded and gave Paddy a smile.

'Be my guest, oh but when he snaps at you and tells you to 'Get the fuck out', he loves you really.'

Paddy laughed and went out into the hallway, making his way up the stairs, walking across the landing into me and Jackson's room.

He knocked on the door gently.

I groaned and rolled over on the bed, sitting up slowly.

'What?' I snapped, staring at the door angrily.

Paddy slowly opened the door and looked around it, a kind, sympathetic expression on his face.

_I don't deserve his pity._

'Hey…you feeling alright today?' he asked softly.

I growled and glared at him.

'Just go home Paddy.'

Paddy frowned and stepped into our room, closing the door behind him.

'Jackson's worried.'

I rolled my eyes.

'When's Jackson _not_ worried?' I demanded.

But I'm worried too and so fucking scared…

'He cares about you Aaron and so do I. I know that this a big shock and I know that…well that you and Adam weren't on good terms when it happened but…Aaron, he's being buried today and I really think that you should be there.' He insisted gently.

I frowned and looked up in surprise.

'Today?' I asked.

Paddy nodded.

'But then that means they must have some idea of what happened, yeah?' I persisted, my heart beating much too quickly.

Paddy's eyes widened.

'Oh…Aaron, didn't you hear?'

I looked up and tried not to shout 'OBVIOUSLY NOT, YOU STUPID SOD!' and shrugged.

'What?'

Paddy looked at me sadly and tilted his head to the side.

'He committed suicide. Adam shot himself.'

My head spun and I closed my eyes.

"_**Please Aaron, just do it yeah? Help a mate out! C'mon Aaron! Please! Please! Help me…"**_

My eyes snapped open and I tried not to shiver at that sudden flashback.

'Oh.' I croaked, ignoring the silent tears that were pouring down my cheeks.

X-O

Jackson straightened my tie and smoothed down my suit.

Jackson polished my shoes and helped my look presentable.

And I held on to Jackson, unable to believe my good luck.

X-O

Moira cried. Holly cried. Hannah cried. _John cried._

Scarlett sobbed. Mia sobbed. Victoria sobbed. _Paddy sobbed._

Jackson sniffled. Diane sniffled. Maisie sniffled. _Andy sniffled._

_I stared._

His coffin, it looked so small, too small for a man like Adam. Adam had been tall and strong and handsome and full of life.

"_**Mate, you've got to do this for me…I can't…I can't do it Aaron!"**_

_He was kneeling in front of me, his brown eyes full of tears, his face puffy and swollen from crying._

'_I'm not doing it Adam, now get up and shut up you twat.'_

"Aaron…please…"

Everyone rose in their seats and started singing. I couldn't bear it anymore, I couldn't sit here and say goodbye to him when I already had. I turned on my heel and raced out of the church, ignoring the stares and the whispers.

I ran out the front and down the steps, up through the village.

'Aaron! AARON!'

I turned around, seeing John Barton standing outside the church, looking much smaller than I remembered.

'What?' I snapped, my chest heaving.

John was silent for a moment before answering.

'Wait for me.'

X-O

John and I sat on a low stonewall, overlooking the entire village, a can in our hands.

'I wish I knew why he did it.' John whispered.

I blinked away my tears and tried to stop the memories from flashing before my eyes.

X-O

"_**I love you mate."**_

_I watched as he made his way to his feet and wrapped his arms around me, pressing his warm, wet cheek against mine._

"_**I just…I can't do this anymore, you know? I can't pretend that everything's okay."**_

_I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to listen to his reasons for killing himself. I pushed him away and looked at him intently._

'_You're an idiot.' I growled._

_Adam nodded and offered me a small smile._

"_**You think I don't know that? But I can't…I won't stay here, I wont live in this stupid village."**_

'_Then move. You don't have to kill yourself Adam because you don't like Emmerdale.'_

"_**I thought you of all people would understand. I thought we could do this together."**_

'_I have Jackson, Adam.'_

"_**Yeah? Well I have two sisters and parents and a girlfriend and mates. I've got more than you'll ever have Aaron but why do I feel like I have nothing?"**_

'_If you go through with this, _I'll_ have nothing.'_

"_**Then come with me mate. You're the only one, you always were."**_

X-O

Jackson kissed me all over, his hot, wet lips pressed against my skin.

Jackson made me shout out in ecstasy.

_Jackson helped me forget._

So should I keep going or what?


	2. Chapter 2

Breathe Me

Chapter Two

A/N: Hope it's okay, if you don't like just say!

Sorry update took so long…school stuff….:L

"_**I'm a coward. I know."**_

'_I can't do it Adam…Think about what you're asking me to do.'_

_Adam sniffles and looks up at me desperately._

"_**B-but it would be just like Romeo and Juliet, please Aaron."**_

_I watch him for a moment, unable to believe that I am actually considering it._

'_You did read the end of Romeo and Juliet, yeah? One of them died by mistake.'_

_Adam snorts with laughter and looks up at me, smiling through his tears._

"_**Since when have you known **__anything__** about Shakespeare?"**_

_I roll my eyes and smile back._

'_Holly made me watch it…'_

_His eyes darken at the mention of his sister and he stares at me intently._

"Remember when you kissed me?"

'_Don't do this Adam. Please.'_

X-O

I awake with my arms and legs wrapped around Jackson, my head resting on his bare chest. I slowly stretch out my body and untangle my limbs from his. His eyes flinch and he opens them blearily, a warm smile spreading across his face as he sees me.

'Morning you.' He croaks, stretching out his deliciously naked body.

I force a smile and hop out of the bed.

"Remember when you kissed me?"

I close my eyes and lean my head against the wardrobe, images flashing before my eyes.

Adam laughing, Adam crying, Adam kissing me…

'You alright?' Jackson asked, wrapping his strong arms around my waist.

I take a step back and lean into his embrace.

'Yeah…' I sigh, loving the feeling of his warmth being wrapped around me.

'You sure you're ready to go back to the garage?' Jackson whispered into my ear, kissing the side of my neck.

I nod and smile slightly.

'Yeah…Cain will do his nut if I don't come in.'

X-O

I walked down through the village, down to the garage.

People stared. People whispered.

I started to sweat.

_They know._

X-O

Cain nodded at me as I walked into the garage.

'Heya. The Fiat over there is yours.' He announces, pointing towards a beaten up old rust bucket.

I raise my eyebrows.

'Is there much point wastin' me time?' I demand, pulling on my overalls.

'Yeah, there is 'cause I said so, right? It's a bit like yourself Aaron; rough on the outside but purrs like kitten on the inside.' He teases.

I roll my eyes and nod.

'Alright…' I mumble, making my way over.

'You okay?' Cain asks in a bored tone.

'Yeah, fine thanks.' I grumble, popping up the bonnet.

'Right 'cause I don't need you sharing your emotions here right? You feel like a good old cry, go and find twinkletoes cause my shoulders are off limit. Do we understand?' he ordered.

Ryan pulled himself out from under a car and raised his eyebrows at Cain.

'That's more than a little bit harsh mate.' He chuckled.

Cain shrugged.

'I don't care.'

"_**I don't care Aaron! I don't want to be here anymore! I need to…God, I don't know…just disappear…"**_

'Oi! Wake up there Nancy!' Cain snapped, glaring at me.

I nodded quickly, startled from my thoughts. Ryan looked at me anxiously.

'You sure you're okay to work?' he whispered so that Cain couldn't hear.

I nodded once again and offered Ryan a quick smile.

'Yeah, I'm fine, honest.'

X-O

'Get off Adam!'

_I tried to push him away but Adam struggled against me, wrapping his strong, muscular arms around me._

"Just one kiss Aaron? Is that too much to ask?"

_I couldn't believe my ears. I stared at him in complete shock._

'_If this a joke, it isn't funny!' I growled._

_Adam looked at me with tear filled eyes._

"Do I look like I'm laughing?"

X-O

I sipped my pint and watched as Jackson tried desperately to shovel his dinner into his gob. He kept checking his watch anxiously and looking up every time the door opened; terrified that Declan would walk in and roar at him that his lunch was over.

I sighed and leaned back in my chair, shaking my head in disgust.

'Is there much point in you taking me out for lunch and not sayin' two words to me?' I snapped irritably.

Jackson swallowed hard and winked at me.

'I thought you were into the whole 'Strong and Silent Type'?' he teased before taking another huge bite out of his sandwich.

'Eating with your gob open isn't exactly silent.' I grumble.

Jackson snorts and rolls his eyes.

'Oh stop complaining and drink your pint. Just sit there and look pretty babes.' He joked, his eyes glinting mischievously.

I opened my mouth and I was about to cut him with a witty retort when Moira Barton entered the pub, looking grey and old.

"_**Aaron, mate, do me one favour, yeah? Look after Mum and Holly and Hannah for me. Please?"**_

'Moira?' I called, standing up from my seat, giving a small, unsure wave.

Moira blinked at looked over at me, as though she didn't really recognize me. She stared for a moment before smiling and made her way over slowly, trying to ignore the stares of some of the punters.

'Heya Aaron, how are you?' she croaked, her brown eyes dark with depression.

I nodded.

'Fine, yeah. And you? And the girls?' I asked awkwardly, a lump forming in my throat.

Moira shrugged and tried to force another smile but she just couldn't do it.

'Not so good to be honest but we're getting there. I've actually emptied out some of his stuff so if you want to come up to the house and take something…a hoody or whatever, it's fine by me.' She said kindly.

"_**Anything you want…you can have anything Aaron. I swear."**_

I fell silent and ducked my head; tears pouring down my cheeks.

How could I look this woman in the eye and pretend like I didn't do this?

'Thanks Moira, I'm sure he'd like that.' Jackson said graciously on my behalf.

I don't know what I'd do without him.

_I don't know what I'll do without __**Adam**_.

X-O

I slowly made my way to the farm, my feet dragging, my heart pounding.

I make it as far as the gates before I vomit.

I throw myself into a ditch and puke up everything I ate and drank so far this day.

Then I spin around on my heel and bomb it back down the road, running until my vision blurred.

X-O

"JUST TAKE THE FUCKING GUN AARON! DO IT! NOW!"

'AARON?'

My eyes snap open and I lurch forward in my chair, a bewildered look on my face.

'Hmm?' I mumble, looking around blearily.

Cain shakes his head and glares at me furiously.

'What is _wrong_ with you?' He snaps.

I don't know…

'Late night.' I mutter, not looking my uncle in the eye.

Ryan looks at me anxiously and shakes his head slightly.

'You don't look well…are you sleeping okay?' he asks concernedly.

I nod quickly.

'Yeah, I'm fine, right? Stop asking stupid questions.' I grumble, ducking my head and looking away.

Cain sighs loudly.

'Go home.'

I spin around.

'What?' I yelp.

'**Go home!** I'm not having you here half asleep. You can make up Saturday or something. Just get lost.' He growls, his dark eyes growing even darker.

I shake my head quickly and give him a pleading look.

'No Cain, I'm fine mate, seriously. I'll cop on, please.' I plead.

Ryan looks at me in amazement.

'Take it Aaron, take it and run for your life!' he urges.

I shake my head more violently and search Cain's eyes, silently begging. I couldn't go home. I couldn't be there all alone and see _him_.

'If you're not gone in the next ten seconds, you're fired, no joke.'

X-O

I lay on my bed and close my eyes tentatively.

I imagine rivers but they flow red.

I picture Jackson but his face morphs into Adam's.

I see myself and my stomach turns.

_Murderer._


End file.
